UNCIRCUMCIZED PENISES

Actually, shouldn’t the plural of “penises” be “penii”? Makes a twisted sort of sense, I think.

Anyway, fellas, you kinda do deserve to be laughed at if your dick is covered by a flesh hoodie. I’ve read that it’s not healthy and that a cheesy type of bacteria can form around the tip, causing bad odors and, in some cases, itchiness. Of course if you want your crank to smell like rotten potato chip dip, that’s up to you, but don’t really expect a young lady to cotton to that sort of thing.

Further, you don’t have the right to complain if the young lady in question really doesn’t want to gobble your knob while it is sheathed in such a manner.

Do yourself and everyone else a favor and have the doctor take an inch or so off the top. I mean, a schwantz appears pretty hilarious, even WITH a circumcision, but without one it really looks like an embarrassed turtle.

Guys, you’ve probably never heard a girl say “Wow, I could sure go for a man who still has a winter coat on over his tool.” You probably never will, either. The “point and laugh” factor will more than likely diminish once you defrock it.

A word to the cock-wise.

Hell Hath No Fury Like Jennifer Hill's Scorn

So a great friend of mine, Mick Madonna, has given me sort of a different view on the world. Now, I grew up listening to goofy Christmas tunes featuring a belching a farting choir and watching Moe, Larry, Curly and sometimes Shimp, but no Curly Jo, on The Three Stooges. So when he shoved me into the Gauntlet of Awfulness by having me witness, "Robot Monster," "Plan 9 From Outer Space," and, "The Creeping Terror," it was no surprise, I survived. I may have gasped for air and was tempted to tap out, but I overcame the challenge.

Tonight though...SWEET JEBUS!!! I was introduced to, "I Spit On Your Grave." This is definitely a movie that is hard to watch at first, but totally worth it in the end. Ladies, if you have ever been wronged by a man, whether it be sexually, mentally, physically, hell...I don't even care if he looked at you wrong...YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!

For the men out there...if you have ever called a female a mean word, used intimidation in any
way, got your rocks off by watching others get it on, worked at a service station, tried to force a woman to give you a blow job and/or tried to convince her that anal was a good idea...YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!

Sarah Butler plays Jennifer Hills, a writer who rents a cabin in the middle of nowhere that
is surrounded by a bunch of redneck douchebags (ba-da-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding) you see where this is going. Anywoo, Jennifer is trying to take a break from the crazy city life, so she thinks staying BY HERSELF...IN THE WOODS...is a good idea to help her write.

On her way out to the cabin, Jennifer just happens to make a stop at a service station where...get this...someone pumps your gas for you!!! Do these still exist? If so, please point me in the direction, because the older I get, the quicker laziness sets in.

"Hey what's up? I'm Jenny...I'm going to kill you later on."

So the redneck douchebags that I mentioned earlier are brought in by the sounds of a harmonica, which is better than a banjo, but less entertaining that kazoo by any means. Of course, she is outnumbered by the men and is bombarded with painful one-liners. However, she doesn't fall for it. Instead, she fires back, but that wasn't the doozy. I guess it was whenever her car alarm went off that caused Johnny, played by Jeff Branson, to pretty much take a bath in some windshield washer fluid, which ultimately led him to his state of pissedoffedness.

I get it. Nobody likes rejection, especially in front of a crowd, but honestly, if you're going to get pissed off any anyone, wouldn't it be at the vehicle? Isn't it the reason you were startled in the first place and soaked yourself?

Yada yada...fast forward...so these yahoos eventually make their way into the cabin. I will give it to her though, she did use the boyfriend line, but not the good boyfriend line, so she only gets half props. She says her boyfriend is on his way. If it were me and I was standing in a room full of backwoods idiots, I would have claimed that I had 10 boyfriends, who all happened to get
released from prison that day and they all have ginormous cocks and love giving anal. It could work, right?



Gulping down the backwash




No baseball in the house!


Testing Jennifer's gag reflex

She is forced to chug some booze, which actually grosses me out. I'm looking at this group of
idiots and all I can think is, "Someone has to backwash." I guess I am just weird like that. However, if you think that's weird, have someone who is obviously off their rocker look you straight in the face and say, "I want to see your teeth." Huh? This is where she is branded as a,
"Show Horse."

In addition to slamming back some liquor and showing off her teeth, she also has to "service" a handgun...and a bottle...all while being recorded by some bloated hoosier with a hard on. Obviously, she was just as disgusted as I would have been, so she grabs the bottle that she just made love to with her mouth and smashes it against the leg of the loser role playing like he has a glass cock.

This is just enough for Jennifer Hill to damn near run through the front door. The only thing that would have made it better is if she left a perfect silhouette in the door and a cloud of smoke like on Looney Toons...just saying. So she escapes the gaggle of flannel and runs through the woods.

Does she fall? Um...YES!!! This wouldn't be a horror movie if the woman running from the bad guys didn't fall, now would it? The only thing is that, uh oh, she loses her flipflop, which in my opinion, was cute. Remember this flipflop.

She's running...and running...and BAM!!! She finds two men squirrel hunting, who turn out to be Sheriff Storch (Andrew Howard) and Earl (Tracey Walter), because if would be blasphemy to NOT have an Earl in this movie. Me personally, I would feel uncomfortable had there not been an "Earl" in this movie.



Sheriff Storch before he become a savage douche

Okay, so she starts pleading her case to Sheriff Storch. Of course, he has to flash the badge which is supposed to make everything better...she just deep throated a pistol! Well, turns out, Sheriff Storch follows Jennifer back to the cabin to check out the situation. When the got there...you guessed it...the rednecks were nowhere to be found. He still continues to search the cabin and asks Jennifer if she was staying alone to which she replied, "Yes."

I literally wanted to double up my fist and start pounding my face until blood was clearly visible at this point! Again, this is when I would bring up my 10 ex-con boyfriends, but I guess that's just me.

All of a sudden, he questions her about the amount of liquor she has. Apparently having enough
bottles to prevent a late night gas station run screams suspicion in this area. He then asks her about the, "marijuana cigarette," he found. She tried to pass it as one of the intruders, but oh crap...it had lipstick on it...busted! This is when we see the transformation from the good sheriff to the asshole!

Next thing you know, Sheriff Storch's attitude changes and he is no longer interested in her
story, but more interested in turning the story on her. Being in his position, he makes Jennifer put her hands on the wall so he can frisk her. Now, if you see this part, you will see the creeper come out! He is feeling her up, eh hmm...checking her for any contraband, and stops at her ass and pauses. LET ONE RIP JEN!!!! Seems like a totally reasonable reaction at this given time!

Sheriff Storch then calls in for backup. Backup? Like she is a threat...really? Then, the
group of hoodlums walk through the door. Really? Wow...thanks Sheriff! Good looking out!

And the circus begins!!!

Matthew (Chad Lindberg), the not completely innocent mentally challenged individual, but more
innocent than the rest, is told to take off his clothes, but is laughed at by the rest of the morons when they see his dick not standing at attention. In order to get him, "game ready," Jennifer is told to take her pants off and dance...DANCE OFF...PANTS OFF!!!! I actually feel bad for him because you can tell he doesn't want to hurt Jennifer. But the fact of the matter is, he did. I do not know what is more disturbing here: watching him have his way with Jennifer, the guys having their way with him by making him lose his virginity, or just watching Matthew perform and dumping his load in Jennifer while choking the shit out of her...ugh...could you imagine what went through her head at that given point in time? After he was finished pouring his children
inside her, he then relocated himself to the corner and threw up on the floor...romantic.

Matthew, the Romancer, played by Chad Lindberg

Jennifer manages to pick herself up and wander outside into the woods where she is followed by
the banjo hounds. UGH!!! This part!!! This is when you can officially despise Sheriff Storch, who declares himself an, "Ass Man." If you are a female who has ever taken it in the ass or has had someone "slip," you really feel sorry for Jennifer during this scene. To be quite honest, there
is nothing comfortable about getting a baseball bat shoved in an electrical socket, so to speak. How does the joke go? What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex? Normal sex will make your whole day, but anal sex will make your hole weak...

If it's not bad enough to know that you are getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey, but then to have to watch it as it is happening...

After everything, shown and not, Jennifer is physically and mentally deteriorated, but collects
enough strength to stand up. She manages to Linda Blair herself to the bridge; the whole time - naked and being followed by the cast of Hee Haw. However, what these assholes did not expect was her sudden plunge into the water.

Uh oh! Where's Jennifer Hill now?

This is the part of the movie where it is acceptable to pop a boner. Jennifer is back and she is PISSED!!!!

Now I won’t tell you everything…I won’t. However, I will tell you that you will see a man get a total facial makeover…you get to see the watcher get watched…you see Jennifer make her new “show horse” her bitch…and you will never think of a shotgun the same way again.

This is a movie that everyone needs to see! I can guarantee that sexual harassment in the work place would definitely drop if they made you watch this movie as opposed to some 80s VHS tape with bad hair and even worse acting.

“I Spit On Your Grave” is a no holds, anything goes experience. If you live brutal revenge, you will thoroughly enjoy this cinematic delight!

I Paid For a Membership at E-Harmony and All I Got Was This Lousy Hoodie

I am a 28-year-old female who, in my opinion, not that it matters, is attractive. Granted, I may have more curves than some, but that does not mean that I am hideous by any means. Quite frankly, some men prefer a little meat to chew on. The only thing is, I have always sucked at the whole “dating” thing, which is why I steer clear of it, or that is at least what I tell myself in order to sleep at night.

You can only dodge a bullet for so long, and I suppose my time was up because my friend, Megan, and her mother, Monica, confronted me on my constant “oneness.” After listening to them tell me how it is time for me to find someone, I weighed the options: actually get out there and start recruiting men, or try online dating, which would allow me to gather some pertinent information and see what I am getting into. I was convinced that I was surrounded by nothing but hoosiers and douchebags, so why the hell not? Sold.

I paid the $100-something and started building my profile on E-Harmony. It was a little embarrassing, but I am happy Megan was there because she obviously knows me better than, well, me. It asked very detailed questions and took me forever to complete.

Honestly, I got jaded filling it out and wanted to quit, but was not allowed to. Damnit!

Like I said in the beginning, I am a 28-year-old, so why is it that I am automatically being matched up with crusty old men? Maybe E-Harmony has been around longer than I had realized. Perhaps these men have been sitting on the shelf for a while. Well, sorry, but I was not willing to pick them up and blow off the dust.

So I scroll for days, which turn into weeks and then a month. What the hell? Is there nobody out there that is my suitable match? Then I receive a message in my inbox from Brandon, a 28-year-old attractive male who was an engineer. Finally! E-Harmony throws me freaking bone!

Brandon and I eventually exchange phone numbers. We started talking every night and sometimes for hours! Another thing I suck at, besides dating, is talking on the phone. I hate it, but for some reason I was drawn to Brandon. He had this country boy accent, which held my interest.

We finally set a date to meet. The only problem is that we argued about the location. He wanted to meet up in Edwardsville, IL, which is where he is comfortable, and I wanted to meet in Granite City, IL, which is where I am comfortable since I have friends out there who could save me if anything went wrong. Luckily, Brandon caved and I got my way.

Oh my God! I am actually going on a date! This is a big deal to me, so naturally, I buy a nice outfit. Not slutty, but nice. The top was a coral colored button down shirt with ruffles.

It may not sound like much, but I looked pretty banging in it. I think the cleavage was the best part! I also wore a black vest, black capris and super cute black heels. I looked good, okay?

Of course, I have to get a pep talk from my friends, Joal and Amanda, who were about to get married and also know me very well. I remember Joal telling me, “No matter what, Christina, do not sleep with him on the first date.” Good advice. Funny, I believe my friend, Megan, also told me the same thing.

Brandon agreed to pick me up at their house and take me to Ernie and Annie’s, a local hole-in-the-wall bar. I felt this would be a good place for us to sit down, have a few drinks and talk face-to-face. After pacing the floor for roughly an hour, I get a phone call from Brandon, telling me that he is pulling up to the house, which makes me excited, but also makes me feel like I could crap myself. Ugh…nerves!

He finally arrives and I carefully walk to the car, hoping to not bust my ass in heels. No, he did not get out and open the door for me. This is not a Disney Princess story.

I get in and realize that he is wearing torn jeans, a tattered St. Louis Blues cap, boots and a fleece. I suddenly felt way overdressed. It did not matter though. Brandon was so much hotter in person than on the computer! To finally see him animated was a treat! I quickly ignored his lack of effort.

We get to the bar and he takes off his hat. His hair is longer than what I prefer, but whatever. It is more to hold on to, I guess. So we both order drinks. I have a Crown and Coke, which is my favorite, and he gets a Budweiser bottle. According to him, he can no longer drink Crown and Coke, that is until about four Budweisers later. Suddenly, Brandon starts assisting me with my drink. He also runs out of cash, but me being the generous and apparently stupid person that I am, I pull out my money.

About seven beers later and about five or six Crown and Cokes down, Brandon asks me if I would like to come back to his place. This is when the devil on my shoulder appeared. The angel called off that day, I guess because the next thing I know, I am getting back into his vehicle and heading straight for his abode.

I am feeling good and want to hear some music. We start blasting Nine Inch Nails and I assume the lyrics got me feeling frisky. I guess hearing, “I want to fuck you like an animal. I want to feel you from the inside,” repeatedly just does something to a girl.

By the time, “Something in Her Mouth,” by Nickleback came on, I found something deep inside my mouth, which was the size of a miniature telephone pole, and we had not even made it to his driveway yet! Finally we get to his house.

I cannot even tell you what color it was; I did not care at that given point-in-time. We both exit the car and I follow Brandon as he waddled to the backdoor with his jeans around his ankles. He fumbles with the keys for what seemed like ten minutes. At last, he opens the door, jeans still around his ankles. I successfully dodged the Budweiser beer can wind chimes dangling in the way of the entrance and we make our way to his bedroom.

It is very possible that a record was broke that night. I do not think I have ever taken my clothes off that fast before! I could have been on fire and still not have stripped down that quick. Perhaps the Crown and Coke made me move with a sense of urgency. He is naked. I am naked. It is go time! The sex felt amazing and I was impressed with Brandon’s performance! I unleashed my inner pornstar and took it and gave it like a champ. I was bending in positions I knew I would pay for the next day, but I did not care.

When we were done, Brandon told me he needed to get some sleep since he had to work early the next day, which was fine with me. I was pretty tired myself after expending all that effort and energy. I attempted to cuddle with him, but it was not working. I guess after being used to sleeping alone for many years, you get accustomed to your comfortable space. I rolled over and the next thing you know, I am quickly on my way to Sleepy Land.

The morning came extremely quick and Brandon wakes me up with Round 2. How sweet! Brandon gave me some more time before he had to go to work. This time I was sober and it still felt amazing! Again, I have to admit, I revealed my internal animal. I would definitely classify this as a great first date!

We got in the vehicle and he took me back to Joal and Amanda’s house. I knew I was going to get a lecture, but I could not slap the smile from off my face. All I could think about was Brandon calling me again, which he said he would on his lunch break.

Later on, around noon, my phone rings. It's Brandon! He actually called when he said he was going to! I answer, “Hello.” He told me he was on his lunch break and had been thinking about something all day. Then he says, “You might want to go to Walgreens or something and get the morning after pill. I think I might have let off a round or two inside you.”

Seriously? Did he actually just call me to tell me that? So, needless to say, I ended up not only paying for our drinks, but then had to drop an additional $50 on the Plan B Pill. Suddenly, the level of fabulousness from our date just lowered.

For some reason, maybe it was just me being desperate, I continued to see Brandon. I even started buying sexy outfits for our late night rendezvous. I remember wearing this red latex outfit with fishnets that exposed my breasts. Fun fact: Did you know that it takes longer to put these outfits on than it takes to take them off?

According to Brandon, men have a rule, which is: If you buy a sexy outfit for a man and wear it for him, you relinquish your right to wear that outfit for any other man. Huh? First of all, I am not going to have some swinging dick tell me what I can and cannot wear when I am the one paying for it!

I started to notice a change in Brandon really fast. He did not want to do anything, but sit in his chair, drink a Budweiser and watch the baseball game. Go Cards! I realized my patience with him started to diminish and suddenly the $3-something a gallon I was spending to fill up the tank in my SUV to come see him seemed to become outrageous.

Commitments were broken over and over.

It was not until I caught him lying to me that I finally said, “Enough!” I mean, after months, all I seemed to do was spend my time and money to be there and entertain him and what did I get out of all of this? An old, faded blue Abercrombie hoodie that his mother bought for him when he was in high school. The only thing is that I told myself I was done, not him. Although it was extremely difficult, I refused to call him. I felt like I had the upper hand, but then I grasp the fact that he has not called me either. So that is how it is. We both just walked away from each other. I will not say that I did not look back, because that would totally be a lie.

In fact, for some strange reason, I still have his number in my phone, which is scary. I mean, who has not been guilty of drunken dialing and/or texting in their lifetime?

I know what I want, which has led to no success. I do not think I know what I need. For the longest time, I always set a target on tall, dark and handsome. Now, I seem to set my sights on anything that might show me some kind of attention. However, it always has the same result. Am I really that desperate? Seriously, what the hell is going on here? I have really tapped out with regards to standards? Maybe not completely, but I went from super sexy gym buffs to albino white rednecks with potbellies. That is quite a range and still, I have got nothing except this dumbfounded look on my face.

Currently, I am still single and attractive. I deactivated my account with E-Harmony. I figure when I am meant to be with someone, it will happen.

Oh, and by the way, as it turns out, his house was white.