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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Hell Hath No Fury Like Jennifer Hill's Scorn

So a great friend of mine, Mick Madonna, has given me sort of a different view on the world. Now, I grew up listening to goofy Christmas tunes featuring a belching a farting choir and watching Moe, Larry, Curly and sometimes Shimp, but no Curly Jo, on The Three Stooges. So when he shoved me into the Gauntlet of Awfulness by having me witness, "Robot Monster," "Plan 9 From Outer Space," and, "The Creeping Terror," it was no surprise, I survived. I may have gasped for air and was tempted to tap out, but I overcame the challenge.

Tonight though...SWEET JEBUS!!! I was introduced to, "I Spit On Your Grave." This is definitely a movie that is hard to watch at first, but totally worth it in the end. Ladies, if you have ever been wronged by a man, whether it be sexually, mentally, physically, hell...I don't even care if he looked at you wrong...YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!

For the men out there...if you have ever called a female a mean word, used intimidation in any
way, got your rocks off by watching others get it on, worked at a service station, tried to force a woman to give you a blow job and/or tried to convince her that anal was a good idea...YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!

Sarah Butler plays Jennifer Hills, a writer who rents a cabin in the middle of nowhere that
is surrounded by a bunch of redneck douchebags (ba-da-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding) you see where this is going. Anywoo, Jennifer is trying to take a break from the crazy city life, so she thinks staying BY HERSELF...IN THE a good idea to help her write.

On her way out to the cabin, Jennifer just happens to make a stop at a service station where...get this...someone pumps your gas for you!!! Do these still exist? If so, please point me in the direction, because the older I get, the quicker laziness sets in.

"Hey what's up? I'm Jenny...I'm going to kill you later on."

So the redneck douchebags that I mentioned earlier are brought in by the sounds of a harmonica, which is better than a banjo, but less entertaining that kazoo by any means. Of course, she is outnumbered by the men and is bombarded with painful one-liners. However, she doesn't fall for it. Instead, she fires back, but that wasn't the doozy. I guess it was whenever her car alarm went off that caused Johnny, played by Jeff Branson, to pretty much take a bath in some windshield washer fluid, which ultimately led him to his state of pissedoffedness.

I get it. Nobody likes rejection, especially in front of a crowd, but honestly, if you're going to get pissed off any anyone, wouldn't it be at the vehicle? Isn't it the reason you were startled in the first place and soaked yourself?
Yada these yahoos eventually make their way into the cabin. I will give it to her though, she did use the boyfriend line, but not the good boyfriend line, so she only gets half props. She says her boyfriend is on his way. If it were me and I was standing in a room full of backwoods idiots, I would have claimed that I had 10 boyfriends, who all happened to get
released from prison that day and they all have ginormous cocks and love giving anal. It could work, right?

Gulping down the backwash

No baseball in the house!

Testing Jennifer's gag reflex
She is forced to chug some booze, which actually grosses me out. I'm looking at this group of
idiots and all I can think is, "Someone has to backwash." I guess I am just weird like that. However, if you think that's weird, have someone who is obviously off their rocker look you straight in the face and say, "I want to see your teeth." Huh? This is where she is branded as a,
"Show Horse."

In addition to slamming back some liquor and showing off her teeth, she also has to "service" a handgun...and a bottle...all while being recorded by some bloated hoosier with a hard on. Obviously, she was just as disgusted as I would have been, so she grabs the bottle that she just made love to with her mouth and smashes it against the leg of the loser role playing like he has a glass cock.

This is just enough for Jennifer Hill to damn near run through the front door. The only thing that would have made it better is if she left a perfect silhouette in the door and a cloud of smoke like on Looney Toons...just saying. So she escapes the gaggle of flannel and runs through the woods.
Does she fall? Um...YES!!! This wouldn't be a horror movie if the woman running from the bad guys didn't fall, now would it? The only thing is that, uh oh, she loses her flipflop, which in my opinion, was cute. Remember this flipflop.

She's running...and running...and BAM!!! She finds two men squirrel hunting, who turn out to be Sheriff Storch (Andrew Howard) and Earl (Tracey Walter), because if would be blasphemy to NOT have an Earl in this movie. Me personally, I would feel uncomfortable had there not been an "Earl" in this movie.

Sheriff Storch before he become a savage douche

Okay, so she starts pleading her case to Sheriff Storch. Of course, he has to flash the badge which is supposed to make everything better...she just deep throated a pistol! Well, turns out, Sheriff Storch follows Jennifer back to the cabin to check out the situation. When the got guessed it...the rednecks were nowhere to be found. He still continues to search the cabin and asks Jennifer if she was staying alone to which she replied, "Yes."
I literally wanted to double up my fist and start pounding my face until blood was clearly visible at this point! Again, this is when I would bring up my 10 ex-con boyfriends, but I guess that's just me.

All of a sudden, he questions her about the amount of liquor she has. Apparently having enough
bottles to prevent a late night gas station run screams suspicion in this area. He then asks her about the, "marijuana cigarette," he found. She tried to pass it as one of the intruders, but oh had lipstick on it...busted! This is when we see the transformation from the good sheriff to the asshole!

Next thing you know, Sheriff Storch's attitude changes and he is no longer interested in her
story, but more interested in turning the story on her. Being in his position, he makes Jennifer put her hands on the wall so he can frisk her. Now, if you see this part, you will see the creeper come out! He is feeling her up, eh hmm...checking her for any contraband, and stops at her ass and pauses. LET ONE RIP JEN!!!! Seems like a totally reasonable reaction at this given time!

Sheriff Storch then calls in for backup. Backup? Like she is a threat...really? Then, the
group of hoodlums walk through the door. Really? Wow...thanks Sheriff! Good looking out!

And the circus begins!!!

Matthew (Chad Lindberg), the not completely innocent mentally challenged individual, but more
innocent than the rest, is told to take off his clothes, but is laughed at by the rest of the morons when they see his dick not standing at attention. In order to get him, "game ready," Jennifer is told to take her pants off and dance...DANCE OFF...PANTS OFF!!!! I actually feel bad for him because you can tell he doesn't want to hurt Jennifer. But the fact of the matter is, he did. I do not know what is more disturbing here: watching him have his way with Jennifer, the guys having their way with him by making him lose his virginity, or just watching Matthew perform and dumping his load in Jennifer while choking the shit out of her...ugh...could you imagine what went through her head at that given point in time? After he was finished pouring his children
inside her, he then relocated himself to the corner and threw up on the floor...romantic.

Matthew, the Romancer, played by Chad Lindberg

Jennifer manages to pick herself up and wander outside into the woods where she is followed by
the banjo hounds. UGH!!! This part!!! This is when you can officially despise Sheriff Storch, who declares himself an, "Ass Man." If you are a female who has ever taken it in the ass or has had someone "slip," you really feel sorry for Jennifer during this scene. To be quite honest, there
is nothing comfortable about getting a baseball bat shoved in an electrical socket, so to speak. How does the joke go? What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex? Normal sex will make your whole day, but anal sex will make your hole weak...

If it's not bad enough to know that you are getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey, but then to have to watch it as it is happening...

After everything, shown and not, Jennifer is physically and mentally deteriorated, but collects
enough strength to stand up. She manages to Linda Blair herself to the bridge; the whole time - naked and being followed by the cast of Hee Haw. However, what these assholes did not expect was her sudden plunge into the water.

Uh oh! Where's Jennifer Hill now?

This is the part of the movie where it is acceptable to pop a boner. Jennifer is back and she is PISSED!!!!

Now I won’t tell you everything…I won’t. However, I will tell you that you will see a man get a total facial makeover…you get to see the watcher get watched…you see Jennifer make her new “show horse” her bitch…and you will never think of a shotgun the same way again.

This is a movie that everyone needs to see! I can guarantee that sexual harassment in the work place would definitely drop if they made you watch this movie as opposed to some 80s VHS tape with bad hair and even worse acting.

“I Spit On Your Grave” is a no holds, anything goes experience. If you live brutal revenge, you will thoroughly enjoy this cinematic delight!

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