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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I Paid For a Membership at E-Harmony and All I Got Was This Lousy Hoodie

I am a 28-year-old female who, in my opinion, not that it matters, is attractive. Granted, I may have more curves than some, but that does not mean that I am hideous by any means. Quite frankly, some men prefer a little meat to chew on. The only thing is, I have always sucked at the whole “dating” thing, which is why I steer clear of it, or that is at least what I tell myself in order to sleep at night.

You can only dodge a bullet for so long, and I suppose my time was up because my friend, Megan, and her mother, Monica, confronted me on my constant “oneness.” After listening to them tell me how it is time for me to find someone, I weighed the options: actually get out there and start recruiting men, or try online dating, which would allow me to gather some pertinent information and see what I am getting into. I was convinced that I was surrounded by nothing but hoosiers and douchebags, so why the hell not? Sold.

I paid the $100-something and started building my profile on E-Harmony. It was a little embarrassing, but I am happy Megan was there because she obviously knows me better than, well, me. It asked very detailed questions and took me forever to complete.

Honestly, I got jaded filling it out and wanted to quit, but was not allowed to. Damnit!

Like I said in the beginning, I am a 28-year-old, so why is it that I am automatically being matched up with crusty old men? Maybe E-Harmony has been around longer than I had realized. Perhaps these men have been sitting on the shelf for a while. Well, sorry, but I was not willing to pick them up and blow off the dust.

So I scroll for days, which turn into weeks and then a month. What the hell? Is there nobody out there that is my suitable match? Then I receive a message in my inbox from Brandon, a 28-year-old attractive male who was an engineer. Finally! E-Harmony throws me freaking bone!

Brandon and I eventually exchange phone numbers. We started talking every night and sometimes for hours! Another thing I suck at, besides dating, is talking on the phone. I hate it, but for some reason I was drawn to Brandon. He had this country boy accent, which held my interest.

We finally set a date to meet. The only problem is that we argued about the location. He wanted to meet up in Edwardsville, IL, which is where he is comfortable, and I wanted to meet in Granite City, IL, which is where I am comfortable since I have friends out there who could save me if anything went wrong. Luckily, Brandon caved and I got my way.

Oh my God! I am actually going on a date! This is a big deal to me, so naturally, I buy a nice outfit. Not slutty, but nice. The top was a coral colored button down shirt with ruffles.

It may not sound like much, but I looked pretty banging in it. I think the cleavage was the best part! I also wore a black vest, black capris and super cute black heels. I looked good, okay?

Of course, I have to get a pep talk from my friends, Joal and Amanda, who were about to get married and also know me very well. I remember Joal telling me, “No matter what, Christina, do not sleep with him on the first date.” Good advice. Funny, I believe my friend, Megan, also told me the same thing.

Brandon agreed to pick me up at their house and take me to Ernie and Annie’s, a local hole-in-the-wall bar. I felt this would be a good place for us to sit down, have a few drinks and talk face-to-face. After pacing the floor for roughly an hour, I get a phone call from Brandon, telling me that he is pulling up to the house, which makes me excited, but also makes me feel like I could crap myself. Ugh…nerves!

He finally arrives and I carefully walk to the car, hoping to not bust my ass in heels. No, he did not get out and open the door for me. This is not a Disney Princess story.

I get in and realize that he is wearing torn jeans, a tattered St. Louis Blues cap, boots and a fleece. I suddenly felt way overdressed. It did not matter though. Brandon was so much hotter in person than on the computer! To finally see him animated was a treat! I quickly ignored his lack of effort.

We get to the bar and he takes off his hat. His hair is longer than what I prefer, but whatever. It is more to hold on to, I guess. So we both order drinks. I have a Crown and Coke, which is my favorite, and he gets a Budweiser bottle. According to him, he can no longer drink Crown and Coke, that is until about four Budweisers later. Suddenly, Brandon starts assisting me with my drink. He also runs out of cash, but me being the generous and apparently stupid person that I am, I pull out my money.

About seven beers later and about five or six Crown and Cokes down, Brandon asks me if I would like to come back to his place. This is when the devil on my shoulder appeared. The angel called off that day, I guess because the next thing I know, I am getting back into his vehicle and heading straight for his abode.

I am feeling good and want to hear some music. We start blasting Nine Inch Nails and I assume the lyrics got me feeling frisky. I guess hearing, “I want to fuck you like an animal. I want to feel you from the inside,” repeatedly just does something to a girl.

By the time, “Something in Her Mouth,” by Nickleback came on, I found something deep inside my mouth, which was the size of a miniature telephone pole, and we had not even made it to his driveway yet! Finally we get to his house.

I cannot even tell you what color it was; I did not care at that given point-in-time. We both exit the car and I follow Brandon as he waddled to the backdoor with his jeans around his ankles. He fumbles with the keys for what seemed like ten minutes. At last, he opens the door, jeans still around his ankles. I successfully dodged the Budweiser beer can wind chimes dangling in the way of the entrance and we make our way to his bedroom.

It is very possible that a record was broke that night. I do not think I have ever taken my clothes off that fast before! I could have been on fire and still not have stripped down that quick. Perhaps the Crown and Coke made me move with a sense of urgency. He is naked. I am naked. It is go time! The sex felt amazing and I was impressed with Brandon’s performance! I unleashed my inner pornstar and took it and gave it like a champ. I was bending in positions I knew I would pay for the next day, but I did not care.

When we were done, Brandon told me he needed to get some sleep since he had to work early the next day, which was fine with me. I was pretty tired myself after expending all that effort and energy. I attempted to cuddle with him, but it was not working. I guess after being used to sleeping alone for many years, you get accustomed to your comfortable space. I rolled over and the next thing you know, I am quickly on my way to Sleepy Land.

The morning came extremely quick and Brandon wakes me up with Round 2. How sweet! Brandon gave me some more time before he had to go to work. This time I was sober and it still felt amazing! Again, I have to admit, I revealed my internal animal. I would definitely classify this as a great first date!

We got in the vehicle and he took me back to Joal and Amanda’s house. I knew I was going to get a lecture, but I could not slap the smile from off my face. All I could think about was Brandon calling me again, which he said he would on his lunch break.

Later on, around noon, my phone rings. It's Brandon! He actually called when he said he was going to! I answer, “Hello.” He told me he was on his lunch break and had been thinking about something all day. Then he says, “You might want to go to Walgreens or something and get the morning after pill. I think I might have let off a round or two inside you.”

Seriously? Did he actually just call me to tell me that? So, needless to say, I ended up not only paying for our drinks, but then had to drop an additional $50 on the Plan B Pill. Suddenly, the level of fabulousness from our date just lowered.

For some reason, maybe it was just me being desperate, I continued to see Brandon. I even started buying sexy outfits for our late night rendezvous. I remember wearing this red latex outfit with fishnets that exposed my breasts. Fun fact: Did you know that it takes longer to put these outfits on than it takes to take them off?

According to Brandon, men have a rule, which is: If you buy a sexy outfit for a man and wear it for him, you relinquish your right to wear that outfit for any other man. Huh? First of all, I am not going to have some swinging dick tell me what I can and cannot wear when I am the one paying for it!

I started to notice a change in Brandon really fast. He did not want to do anything, but sit in his chair, drink a Budweiser and watch the baseball game. Go Cards! I realized my patience with him started to diminish and suddenly the $3-something a gallon I was spending to fill up the tank in my SUV to come see him seemed to become outrageous.

Commitments were broken over and over.

It was not until I caught him lying to me that I finally said, “Enough!” I mean, after months, all I seemed to do was spend my time and money to be there and entertain him and what did I get out of all of this? An old, faded blue Abercrombie hoodie that his mother bought for him when he was in high school. The only thing is that I told myself I was done, not him. Although it was extremely difficult, I refused to call him. I felt like I had the upper hand, but then I grasp the fact that he has not called me either. So that is how it is. We both just walked away from each other. I will not say that I did not look back, because that would totally be a lie.

In fact, for some strange reason, I still have his number in my phone, which is scary. I mean, who has not been guilty of drunken dialing and/or texting in their lifetime?

I know what I want, which has led to no success. I do not think I know what I need. For the longest time, I always set a target on tall, dark and handsome. Now, I seem to set my sights on anything that might show me some kind of attention. However, it always has the same result. Am I really that desperate? Seriously, what the hell is going on here? I have really tapped out with regards to standards? Maybe not completely, but I went from super sexy gym buffs to albino white rednecks with potbellies. That is quite a range and still, I have got nothing except this dumbfounded look on my face.

Currently, I am still single and attractive. I deactivated my account with E-Harmony. I figure when I am meant to be with someone, it will happen.

Oh, and by the way, as it turns out, his house was white.


  1. Quite a visual: the guy waddling to the front door with a wet boner, fumbling for the keys. Wonder what the neighbors thought?

  2. That's his problem. My ass beat feet the next morning!